Satia's Wellbeing

Why Blog? In Defense of Blogging

noreply@blogger.com (Satia) — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 00:17:00 +0000

After pointing out some of the reasons for not blogging, there are some very legitimate and even noble reasons for choosing to take your journaling into a more public forum.

Most bloggers begin blogging because they have something they want to share. A quick google search pulls up a variety of reasons:

• To meet people (usually personal)
• For pleasure (again, usually personal)
• For profit (usually professional—either person or for an employer)
• To share information (may be professional but can also be personal)
• Just for the fun of it (almost always personal)

Before you choose to blog, it is important to take a moment to consider your personal motivation. Why do you want to blog? Your answer to this question is important and can be the foundation from which you will determine the viability of your blog, how often to post to your blog, and even for whom you will be blogging.

Now some bloggers will argue that they do not blog for anyone but themselves. If this is the case, a journal would suffice or, for those who prefer to type their thoughts rather than long-hand them into a blank book, save them on a computer. If you are only writing for yourself, there is no reason to invite anyone else to read your words by adding to the blogging population.

Before you do blog, take the time to consider the reason(s) you are going to be blogging. I invite you to make the time to journal about this, perhaps more than once, to more fully realize some of your more subtle reasons. To say “I want to blog so others will read what I have to say” is not enough. For example, I know someone who created a blog to help promote her memoir. However, the author never felt motivated enough to blog and, as a result, her memoir never sold as well as it might have had she maintained it with regular posts, sharing resources or ideas that were relevant to the theme of her book. Her reason for creating the blog? “To tell people about my book.” And for a while, there it was, a blog all about her upcoming book, complete with release date and an image of the book cover. And once a potential reader had visited the page, they never had a reason to return because there was never anything added to the page.

So why do you want to blog?

Let’s pretend for a moment that you are a job seeker, wanting to promote yourself as an expert in your particular field in hopes of attracting the attention of a head hunter or employer. Under this scenario, your blog will probably have a limited life because, presumably, you will not need to blog once you have a job. Unless of course, you intend upon continuing to grow in your field, share industry trends you explore within the context of your new job, etc.

What if your reason for creating a blog is because you have an experience you want to share to be a resource for others who may be experiencing something similar? When blogging first began, most bloggers were quite young but within a few years a new type of blog—the mommy blog—was born. Women began blogging about their pregnancies and then about the joys and challenges of parenting. Before long, whole communities gathered together to further facilitate the sharing of information.

Sometimes the experiences are not joyous. There are blogging communities for people who have survived a loss, who are living with chronic conditions, or who are facing a surgery. There is truly no limit to the impetus behind creating a blog. None is too small. None is too trivial. Regardless, knowing why you are blogging will lay a more solid foundation for future blogging success.

Suppose your purpose in blogging is more about keeping in touch with friends and family? You can choose to limit how public your blog is. Many blogging websites give you the option to limit who can read your blog. If you share your writing with only friends and family you may still need to consider how you will censor yourself. Do you want your family to know about the fun you and your friends had over the weekend? And do you want your friends to know every family skeleton? Perhaps you can honestly answer “yes” to both of these questions but if you cannot then some self-censoring is probably in order.

The truth is, you will probably want or need to self-censor regardless of what your reason is for blogging. The easiest way to assess how and what you will want to censor is to explore these things in writing. Ask yourself “What if this person were to find my blog?” (And please, don’t forget that anyone can find your blog even if it is private and that even the most computer illiterate person has friends and family who are not as naïve as they.) So ask yourself, what if? What if my mother read my blog? What if my boss read this blog? What if my healthcare professional reads my blog? What if my children, future or already born, read this blog?

It is not going too far to list anyone and everyone you can think of who is able to read or might learn to read in the future. Your child’s teacher. Your spiritual leader. Your former professor. Your boss. Your coworker. Your dog walker. Your best friend from high school who got married and disappeared from your life forever.

The internet makes the world a surprisingly small place and by blogging you are inviting anyone with internet access to share your life. Knowing why you want to blog will make your future blogging experience easier even when the trolls come along to try to tear you down or that one person you hoped wouldn’t read your blog does so and blasts you for what you wrote.

For every blog you find, there is a story behind why the person began to post their thoughts, their experiences, their hopes, their disappointments. Some stories may be alike while others are unique. Your reason for blogging is your own, similar to or different from anyone else’s. Knowing your reason for blogging is a good place to start; hopefully after reading this post, you will have a way to find your own answer to “Why do you want to blog?”

PS: You may notice that I never address private blogging where the blogger maintains and updates a blog they share with nobody. In my way of thinking, this type of blogging is more like journaling and falls into the category of electronic journaling more than blogging. You are welcome to disagree with me; this is just my opinion on the matter.

Why Not Just Journal?

noreply@blogger.com (Satia) — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 21:36:00 +0000

Before exploring the idea of blogging further, there are certain precautions and certainly reasons not to blog. After all, if you are already in the habit of keeping a journal why bother with blogging?

The main impetus for creating a blog is usually as simple as this: Blogging gives you public exposure. This is a double-edged sword. People have lost jobs, compromised relationships, and even been stalked because of their online presence. Exposing your writing to a public invites judgment and criticism but, unlike the Monday morning quarterbacks gathering at the water cooler, these critics can share their opinion with you more directly. And behind the anonymity the internet affords, these criticisms can quickly become outright attacks and even threats.

Of course, anonymity can go both ways but nobody online is truly anonymous and if someone wants to find out who the person is behind the façade, it can be done. Many bloggers have discovered that their internet illiterate family members are friends of someone who is a die hard computer geek. And just because you never blog from work doesn’t mean that your anonymous rants about your job can’t be traced back to your home computer and compromise your career.

Common sense suggests that a mother shouldn’t say where she and her young children go to play while also posting pictures with the children’s names. However, common sense doesn’t stop mothers from talking about their children’s adolescent experiences in spite of the fact that their child’s best friend is just as capable of reading the content as anyone else who has internet access. Airing your personal dirty laundry is one thing; what about the laundry that you share with others? Are you prepared to share your loved one’s secrets and can you be certain that your secrets don’t touch upon someone else’s?

The media occasionally covers stories of people who have lost jobs or health insurance because of the content they have put online. These stories make news because it is sometimes hard to believe that anyone would risk their professional security for a blog post while also throwing into focus the blurring lines between freedom of speech and the freedom of access that the internet provides. After all, how dare your employer threaten your position when you aren’t naming names, right?

Not quite. Remember, if your employer can figure out who the person is behind the post then so can I or anyone else reading your content and if you are sharing proprietary information or presenting the company in a detrimental light than your employer has the right to take whatever measures deemed necessary to protect the company. Sure, your rants about your boss’s extramarital affair may not bring down the company they way Queen Guinevere’s did Camelot but by showing a character flaw there is some professional consequence, the repercussions of which you can never fully predict. Showing your boss in a bad light can and might reflect badly on the company overall.

And this is something to seriously consider before choosing to blog. You may be thick-skinned enough to not flinch when some stranger accuses you of lying about your reality but are you prepared to have your reality used to attack your loved ones? It can and has happened. Are you also prepared to face the possibility of being cyber-stalked? Again, it can and does happen. Bloggers have learned the hard way that posts they put online can take on a life of their own. I know of a blog post that is years old where people still post new comments not realizing or perhaps simply not caring that the blogger wrote the content long ago and has blogged on to bigger and better things. (Notice that the blog post to which I have linked was written in January of 2006 and the most recent comment was made last week!)

Are you prepared to have your personal safety, even your life, threatened?

Have I experienced any of these things? Yes. Although I never lost a job over what I posted, and there was job where I frankly tried to get fired but apparently couldn’t, I have been cyber-stalked, attacked personally, had my writing used to verbally abuse people I love, and had accusations of falsehood and false representation thrown at me so many times I can’t even begin to list them all. I even stopped blogging for a while, although I kept journaling, because of the viciousness I experienced. How far did it go? I had to get the police involved at one point because the threats to my safety had crossed a line that left me feeling unsafe.

Yet here I am so, clearly, there must be something beneficial about blogging that outweighs any and all of the above. For me, the answer is yes, there is something about blogging that keeps me committed to the practice. For you that answer may not be yes. I just hope that, before you do start blogging, you will consider the very real consequences of doing so before you put your words out there for anyone and everyone to read.

In the future posts of this series, I will share some of the benefits of blogging. I’ll also make some suggestions on how you can protect yourself and your loved ones.

Why Blog?

noreply@blogger.com (Satia) — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 23:40:00 +0000

Most bloggers come to blogging with a variety of reason for doing so; primarily, however, the impetus to blog is two-fold.

1. You have something to say.
2. You want what you have to say to be heard.

If you have nothing to say, you can still blog. The internet is overflowing with examples of people who have blogs where they detail the minutiae of their lives leaving the unfamiliar reader wondering who, beyond immediate family and some close friends. However, the best blogs, the ones that add to the quality and not merely the quantity of the blogosphere, are usually begun because the writer has something they believe is important not only to family and friends but to perfect strangers because, and let’s be honest, the internet is populated with some pretty strange people.

A quick search will turn up many blogs written to promote a business, a book, or a belief. Keep looking and before long you will find blogs by people who are touched by a variety of problems—some chronic, some acute. Whether that problem is a physical disease, a mental condition, caretaking for a parent or partner, the loss of a job or loved one, there is a tidal wave of voices wanting to be heard and each one of them has something to say.

Research is showing that journaling has benefits beyond the mere recording of experiences for future recollection. James W Pennebaker is building a library of research that suggests there are physical and psychological benefit to be gained from expressive writing while Luciano L’Abate is developing resources and adding to the body of research to see how writing can be used in cooperation with professional counseling. There are articles that suggest journaling helps patients with breast cancer, can be a tool for stress management, and, of course, Pennebaker’s own research on how writing helps people grieve through a crisis and overcome the repercussions of trauma.

How blogging fits into this new dynamic has yet to be determined although there is a growing body of research in this area as well. Blogging is a relatively new phenomenon in the field of psychology and writing so it may be a while before the benefits (or dangers?) of blogging will be addressed. But research, or the lack thereof, never stopped people from seeking their own answers.

The truth is, I cannot say that there is empirical evidence that blogging has any benefit for the blogger. Nevertheless, I contend that there are purposes behind blogging, drawn from my own over a decade of experience and observation, that suggest both benefits and detriments to sharing what you want to say with others in a very public forum.

I hope to explore these with you in the coming days and weeks.

DVD Offer

noreply@blogger.com (Satia) — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 19:29:00 +0000

Anyone who knows me knows I write and read poetry on a regular basis. I also am a huge fan of Patricia Smith's work. Having seen her on video before and at a wonderful poetry reading back in 2006, I have no doubt that the content on these dvds is inspiring and informative.

DVDs Available

LaperTapes Products offers the following dvds.

The Truth Trilogy is a package of three 45-minute dvds documenting poetry, music, and movement as expressive arts that facilitate the healing process. The three documentaries are:

The Truth About Ourselves: How Poetry Heals
Tell All The Truth: How Poetry Heals A Multicultural Society
Moving Towards Truth: Poetry, Motion and Wholeness

This collection includes inspirational footage of poets Jane Hirshfield, Li-Young Lee, Gregory Orr, and Rafael Campo, among others, and features an exclusive interview with National Association for Poetry Therapy pioneer, Dr. Art Lerner. Purchase individually for $20 each or get all three for $40 (one free).

Also, dvd transcripts of keynote poets from past NAPT conferences are available for $12 each or three for $25. Keynote speakers include: Jane Hirshfield, Rafael Campo, Li-Young Lee, Gregory Orr, Patricia Smith, and Lawson Inada.

Shipping and handling charges are included in the price of your order!
15% of each purchase will be donated to Wellness and Writing Connections.
Contact Jenny Laper at jennylaper@yahoo.com

Luciano L'Abate's Research

noreply@blogger.com (Satia) — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 16:26:00 +0000

Dr Luciano L'Abate, keynote speaker at the 2008 Wellness & Writing Connections Conference, is Professor Emeritus in the Psychology Department at GSU in Atlanta, Diplomate and former Examiner of the American Board of Professional Psychology, Approved Supervisor of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, published (authored, co-authored, edited, and co-edited 41 books with two additional ones in press, published over 300 papers, chapters, and book reviews in scientific and professional books and journals. His books have been translated in Argentina, China, Finland, Italy, Japan, Korea, Germany, & Poland.

For those interested in exploring more fully the research he has conducted in using writing as a complement to therapy, I offer the following research bibliography.

Harwood, T. M., & L'Abate, L. (2010). Self-help in mental health: A critical evaluation. New York: Springer- Science.
L’Abate, L. (1992). Programmed writing: A self-administered approach for intervention swith individuals, couples, and families. Pacific Grove, CA: Brooks/Cole.
L’Abate, L. (2001). Distance writing and computer-assisted interventions in the delivery of mental health services. In L. L'Abate (Ed.), Distance writing and computer-assisted interventions in psychiatry and mental health (pp. 215-226). Westport, CT: Ablex.
L’Abate, L. (2002). Beyond psychotherapy: Programmed writing and structured computer-assisted interventions. Westport, CT: Ablex.
L’Abate, L. (2003b). Treatment through writing: A unique new direction. In T. L. Sexton, G. Weeks, & M. Robbins (Eds.), The handbook of family therapy (pp. 397-409). New York: Brunner-Routledge.
L’Abate, L. (2004a). A guide to self-help mental health practice exercises for clinicians and researchers. Binghamton, New York: Haworth.
L’Abate, L. (Ed.). (2004b). Using practice exercises in prevention, psychotherapy, and rehabilitation: A resource for clinicians and researchers. Binghamton, NY: Haworth
L’Abate, L. (2008). Proposal for including distance writing in couple therapy. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 7, 337-362.
L’Abate, L. (2008). Working at a distance from participants: Writing and nonverbal media. In L. L’Abate (Ed.), Toward a science of clinical psychology: Laboratory evaluations and interventions (pp. 355-383). New York: Nova Science.
L'Abate, L. (2009). A historical and systematic perspective about distance writing and wellness. In J. Evans (Ed.), Wellness & writing connections: Writing for better physical, mental, and spiritual health. Enumclaw, WA: Idyll Arbor.
L'Abate, L. (2010). Sourcebook of interactive practice exercises in mental health. New York; Springer-Science.
Smyth, J. M., & L’Abate, L. (2001). A meta-analytic evaluation of workbook effectiveness in physical and mental health. In L. L'Abate (Ed.), Distance writing and computer-assisted interventions in psychiatry and mental health (pp. 77-90). Westport, CT: Ablex.

Expressive Writing: All Emotions Welcome

noreply@blogger.com (Satia) — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 15:40:00 +0000

When I read Pennebaker’s book in which he shares about how writing about experiences helps defuse the emotional energy of the past, I thought a lot about the implications of writing about the positive experiences. I’ve noticed that in my own journaling, I will often run to the page trying to work through a situation I perceive as negative in some way—a loss, a hurt, a trauma. But when life is good, I don’t rehearse it with the same enthusiasm. I pondered the reason for this. Was it possible that, as Penenbaker explains, I avoided writing about the highlights of my life because I didn’t want to soften the experience, that I wanted to hold onto it as it was? Was I avoiding the act of writing about these good times because, in doing so, I would somehow detour them from my present into the past?

Today, while reading Pennebaker’s contribution to the Wellness & Writing Connections book, I came across the research of Laura King who asked participants to write about intensely positive experiences (IPE). Interestingly enough, the results were not dissimilar from the ones Pennebaker et al had realized when inviting their participants to write about traumatic or painful experiences.

Does this surprise you? Maybe not. At first my mind couldn’t comprehend the why or how of this. If writing about a “negative” experience helped the writer’s sense of well-being because it made the experience less emotionally volatile, why would writing about a positive one have the same benefits?

Then I thought about non-attachment. In Buddhist teachings, the idea of non-attachment is deeply rooted in acceptance and connected with the idea of suffering. When we are attached to a particular thing—whether an item, a feeling, a role, a relationship—we set ourselves up for suffering because everything is impermanent. (My mother once told me that all relationships end badly: either you break up or one of you dies.)

In Judaism the book of Ecclesiastes invites the reader to “weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice” which implies being where you are in the moment, accepting the tears and laughter each in their own time and then, when the season passes, to let it go.

Aristotle wrote about the Golden Mean, living a life in conscious balance. Neither indulging nor abstaining physically, the idea wove throughout all aspects of a person’s well-being—the intellectual, the emotional, etc. (A similar idea is also expressed in Confucianism, predating Aristotle by nearly a century.)

So with this in mind, I turn to my recent journals to see what I have been recording and how I have been taking care of myself. Have I been focusing solely on the challenges that I face or have I occasionally explored the blessings?

As it turns out, there seems to be a balance of both. I also discovered a tendency towards self-protection. When my frustrations feel overwhelming, I stop writing. I don’t feel a compulsion to write more and certainly not more in depth. On the other hand, when I am writing about the good things, I find no less inclination to record the necessary before moving on to the more mundane.

For whatever it’s worth, I definitely see the pattern for myself in my own life that, when I allow things to be as they are, including the inevitable mutability of my emotions (maybe even especially in relation to my emotions), I am able to move through my days with more grace.

Of course, now that I’ve said that, watch me fall flat on my face any minute now . . .

Thanksgiving Thoughts

noreply@blogger.com (Satia) — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 22:40:00 +0000

Yesterday, Rob and I had a surprisingly lovely Thanksgiving. I say it was “surprising” because this year has been difficult, to say the least. Rob’s diabetes has brought so many changes into our lives. Modifying the menu was one step to ensuring that his holiday would be a good one but the truth is he is in constant pain and I didn’t know how we would pull it all together.

But we did. And this is the blessing within the challenges. When the vertigo struck, I was forced to lean on Rob in ways that were not comfortable for me, learning to trust him to be there even in the midst of “the worst.”

Now, because of his diabetes, we have come almost full circle with his learning to lean on me. I help him plan his meals, something for which he has thanked me repeatedly. He asks me to remind him to take his insulin, sometimes, when he thinks he’ll forget because he’s not quite awake or he’s feeling more distracted than usual. He needs me to scratch his back, to massage his legs and feet, to help ease the discomfort of his neuropathy.

The hardest thing he’s asked me to do is keep an eye out for him while we sleep because he’s had to change his medication and we have to be careful of his slipping into a diabetic coma.

The easiest thing to do is listen to his appreciation, to see the loving gratitude in his eyes. In fact, his expressions of thankfulness have made all of this so much easier for me.

All of this came into sharp focus yesterday because we moved through the day with such ease. We had planned on doing more by way of preparing on Wednesday but we hadn’t so Thursday could have been full of bickering and frustrated expressions of anger as we tried to get things done while getting in one another’s way. Instead, we worked together or moved away from one another as needed. We basically made space for one another while also lending a helping hand.

In the midst of all this chaotic activity, there were “I love you” pronouncements, kisses thrown about with abandon, and many smiles.

Was I dizzy? Yes. There were more than a few bobbles and adjustments made. Was Rob in pain? Yes. As soon as the last of the company left he soaked his weariness away. The day wasn’t better in many ways but we made it better in every way.

Writing the Wounded Words

noreply@blogger.com (Satia) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 23:38:00 +0000

In my other blog, I wrote a couple of posts (here and here) as part of my processing the suicide of my friend’s brother. That this was the second suicide (and one other attempted suicide) did not help me try to put anything into focus. Probably because there are some things that will never be clear and all we are meant to do is try.

I started thinking about how writing brings healing. (That is, after all, the purpose of this blog, to explore the connections between wellness and writing.) The truth is, I have occasionally wondered why I journal every day. Do I really believe that blabbering endlessly about the minutiae of my life really makes a difference? Aren’t there times when writing about something that is hurting me doesn’t feel more painful than not writing anything at all? How do I know that my rehearsing my grieves isn’t just reinforcing them rather than healing them?

No matter how many times I ask myself these questions or variations on the themes they suggest, I still return to the page, trying to make sense of things that simply cannot make sense, no matter how many pages I fill.

So why do it at all? I know that, for myself, I often approach my writing with no hope of making sense of anything. However, I know that through the writing I come to recognize within myself a certain power. I become a wounded healer, drawing on my own words to help others when they are confronted with similar experiences. I move dynamically from sympathy to empathy. By becoming one with my own pain, I can more fully experience compassion when confronted by the suffering of another.

Whether the words I write ever find a more public home than my heart and my journal, I now that what I have written will touch others because I am here, reaching out.

The Irony of Timing

noreply@blogger.com (Satia) — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 13:53:00 +0000

I wrote the following on Saturday and set it up to automatically post one week later. In this post, I explore why I haven't felt free to blog about my health and make a commitment to work through the fear that caused me to hesitate. Of course, given yesterday's post, there doesn't seem to be a need to keep this post on hold any longer. May this be the beginning of good (or at least honest) things to come.

A few months ago, a well-meaning friend pointed out to me that employers now do searches online to see what online presence employment candidates have. This is not news, of course. Most people are aware the HR people are googling potential employees to see if there is any reason to say, “Thanks but no thanks.”

It is funny how a seed like that can grow. I found myself increasingly unable to write about certain things in my life. The fact that I have a chronic and incurable condition makes me a hiring risk and my writing publicly about my condition could very well hinder my being hired. Add to this the fact that my fiancé has recently been diagnosed with diabetes and the concern an employer might have must be increasing exponentially. After all, nobody can say whether or not Rob’s health will not degenerate. In fact, although we can and are doing everything we can to forestall any complications, there is no cure and complications are practically inevitable. How bad those complications may be is all that we can hope to control—if we do everything we can, the complications won’t be as bad.

Add to this that Rob and I had practically the worst Spring and Summer of our lives, at least of our lives together anyway, I just couldn’t find a way to break through this fear I had about posting anything honest. What if the person with whom I interviewed fund my blog? What if he/she read about my condition and Rob’s diabetes and had second thoughts? What if I gave voice to my grief and the potential employer decided that my depression. on top of everything else, was the final straw?

I just couldn’t risk it because I am trying to get a job and I simply didn’t know if someone out there might not find me here and change their minds about offering me a job.

Then it hit me: I don’t know.

I really and truly don’t know. And you know what? Whether or not an employer reads this and freaks out about offering me a job is beyond my control. Maybe it would be better for the interviewer to know my full story, to realize that there are things that make me a less than perfect candidate.

If you don’t think I can do a good job because I have problems with my balance then maybe my posting more often will reinforce the idea that I am fully capable of showing up, of doing some work. Don’t believe that this one blog is enough to prove that I am able to fulfill your expectations? Then perhaps you can subscribe to the newsletter I edit and send out every month. Or you can read one of my other blogs. Or you can check me out on facebook and see the links I share as part of my ongoing research.

Maybe I can tell you about how I am actively pursuing my writing career by submitting my short stories and revising a novel while also participating in an online poetry challenge. Or maybe I can invite you to join the writing group where we have monthly challenges that we strive to meet each and every month.

Still not convinced? Let me tell you about the exercising I do each and every day—my morning yoga, my daily walk, my 10 miles of biking.

Yes, I am capable and I can either choose to not say anything in my blog about what is really going on right now, isolating myself because I am too scared to risk shooting myself in the foot to take a bold and honest step forward, or I can take a chance and write honestly about what is going on with myself, in my life, and if that should result in my not getting a job then so be it. The truth of my life, of my condition, would come out anyway. And if I have to choose between taking care of myself in solitude or taking care of myself in community then I guess I’m going to choose the community over silence.

It’s a risk I am willing to take and, hopefully, I can find a way to do this without shooting myself in the foot. It would even be better if I could figure out how to do this without putting my foot in my mouth but I think that may be more than even my best of intentions can manage.

Death and Loss and "Homecomings"

noreply@blogger.com (Satia) — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 15:50:00 +0000

I met Pia long before she sat at the other end of the science table where the two of us soon became partners, doing the seventh grade experiments side-by-side. Like me, she was a reader but her ability to devour a book outmatched me. A book that would take me two to three days to finish reading (like Gone With the Wind) would take her one day. She was voracious and artistic and a lot of things I would never be.

Her mother had problems, deep-rooted and full of anger, mostly self-loathing that manifested in a beer infused alcoholism. Eventually she would die, living off social security for a disability she didn’t really have.

Her father lived a communal life in Philadelphia and eventually he would move to Africa, to reconnect with his ancestral roots, leaving Pia the townhouse in which he had lived for so many years.

Pia’s older brother, Dion, was a typical sibling who found the giggling and squeals that Pia and I shared annoying while also loving his sister so much he tolerated my presence without ever making me feel unwelcome.

Pia’s mother was actually friends with Love’s mother when we were all infants but it was not until Pia and I reconnected in junior high school that our friendship was forever and permanently established. We hung out together almost constantly, created fantasies that filled our lunchtime, hung out either in her large Central Park West apartment or in my smaller west 79th street and later east 96th street apartment.

It was Pia who joined me in playing an April Fool’s joke on my mother when we rearranged the entire living room while my mother was downstairs doing the laundry. It was with Pia I explored the aisles of Woolworths and took my one and only gymnastics class. It was through Pia I learned I could skip school and hang out at museums instead.

We sang and danced and shared everything. So much so that my mother later told me she thought we were lovers. I suppose we could have been, had either one of us thought about it but we never did.

Then she moved to Philadelphia and I got married, had children, and our lives just sort of drifted apart. When she was married, I was there, one of her three bridesmaids, but we only talked on birthdays and around Christmas. She eventually had a son and went on to get her masters degree while my marriage fell apart and I struggled to finish my bachelors degree in the midst of the chaos that followed. Then the phone call stops. I would still reach out to her on her birthday but we never talked long and she would promise to call me back but wouldn’t. I stopped calling but kept sending her cards, always wondering if I should call her.

My cell phone died, eating up all of my contacts which decided things for me. I couldn’t call her because I didn’t have her phone number. I didn’t even have her address any longer.

At least, not until yesterday. I was cleaning a box out and found a sheet of paper with a bunch of addresses I didn’t recognize. Confused, I skimmed it over and stopped when I saw Pia’s name and her address. I took the sheet and dropped it onto my desk and, to be honest, I didn’t really think about it again. I already knew I would debate writing to her, wondering what I could possibly say to her after so long. A part of me would want to tell her I miss her. Another part would want to know why she didn’t care enough about our friendship to even send me a Christmas card. Still another part of me wondered if I wanted to be vulnerable with her, to tell her how I needed her friendship more than anyone else’s because I felt like, even if we had grown apart, she was perhaps the most shining example of unconditional love I had outside of my immediate family.

I knew that weeks from now I would still have this sheet of paper, maybe I would have made some attempts at writing to her, deleting as I went along until I ended up writing nothing.

Then this morning I get an email from Pia saying that Dion committed suicide.

No. That’s not right. First she apologized for the years of silence, saying she has wanted to write me for so long, has been struggling with depression. And that her brother, who had struggled for so long with drug addiction, had killed himself.

Do I even need to say that I immediately emailed her with a demand (not a request) for her to call me? I gave her my telephone number and then reiterated that she must call me.

I then stopped to breathe, to let go of the tears coming to my eyes, to fall into Rob’s arms and let him hold me for a few minutes.

I reached out to one of my friends who I hoped would be up so early on a Sunday morning.

I emailed Pia again, telling her that if she didn’t call me, I would just be forced to email her, to tell her about everything in various emails, that I would send her my stories and chapbooks, and I would just keep reaching out to her until she finally called me to shut me up.

And now I am writing this because I need to put something into words. I’m tired and it is not yet 9:30am. I am waiting. Waiting for my phone to light up with an incoming call. I am praying that she will call me and not let even one more day go by.

Wellness & Writing Connections Conference 2009 Program

noreply@blogger.com (Satia) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 17:55:00 +0000

This is the program for the Wellness & Writing Connections Conference as it currently stands. Odds are, there will be some changes. In a separate post, I will include some information about the different presenters.

Program 2009 Wellness & Writing Connections Conference
Check-in and Late Registration: Angela Bailey
Open Book Exhibit: Jennifer Tomas
Welcome: John Evans

Keynote address: Julie Davey - Author of the recent book, Writing for Wellness: A Prescription for Healing, will explain the unique, focused and directed writing techniques she has developed and uses in her Writing for Wellness classes at City of Hope National Cancer Center in California. Ms. Davey, a college writing professor and two-time cancer survivor will then lead conference attendees in a hands-on writing session to demonstrate how the process helps healing.

Breakout sessions:

101 Expressive Writing as a Therapeutic Tool: Working with Groups, Couples and Individuals, Angela Buttimer, MS, RYT, LPC and Dennis Buttimer, MEd, RYT, CEAP

In this workshop, counselors, coaches, and facilitators Angela Buttimer, MS, RYT, LPC and Dennis Buttimer, MEd, RYT, CEAP describe how writing can be used as a powerful tool for “drilling deeper”, helping clients get to the heart of the matter and express their deeper truths. Specific examples and methods used in each of these settings will be shared and practiced experientially. Angela and Dennis Buttimer have been using writing as a therapeutic tool with clients for many years. Currently in their work at Cancer Wellness at Piedmont, a center for integrative healing for cancer patients, they use writing in various groups with cancer patients, survivors, and their loved ones. Angela facilitates Writing for Recovery, a program that specifically focuses on the transformative power of writing and sharing that writing with others in a sacred circle. Angela presented her work on Writing for Recovery in the 2008 conference. Angela and Dennis facilitate other groups and workshops at Cancer Wellness where writing is utilized including Mindfulness, Humor, Yoga, Chakras, and Support Groups. In addition, Angela and Dennis often use writing in private practice with both couples and individuals. Clients sometimes are not aware of how they feel and think about an issue until they have written about it. Frequently clients need to write before they can speak to help form, articulate, and clarify what is happening on the inside. The surprising insights that evolve from putting pen to paper consistently deepens the work a client is doing in session. Writing between sessions also assists in enhancing the work of therapy.

102 Me, Myself and I – The Healing Power of Dialogue - Susan Borkin, M.A.

The venerable dialogue, when written is not just a conversation but also a powerful tool for healing and personal growth. We’ll explore its use in healing trauma, as an aide in clarifying difficult decisions and as a resource for getting unstuck and moving forward. Focus will be on practical application and simple steps to create, deepen and sustain a dialogue. In this highly experiential workshop, participants will leave with a richly felt sense of the surprising power of the dialogue to serve as a catalyst for healing and transformation.

103 Using Yoga, Meditation, & Writing to Reduce Anxiety in First-year College Students - Lezlie Laws, Ph.D.

I will describe a first-year seminar at Rollins College designed to introduce students to the eight limbs of Ashtanga Yoga. Students practice yoga asanas, meditation, and respond to writing prompts designed to help them discern ways they view themselves or their experiences inaccurately and thus cause themselves anxiety. Participants will be shown how the ashtanga methodology addresses issues of mind, body, and spirit and leads to productive self-exploration and greater self-understanding.

104 Writing Memoir as a Journey Toward Healing - Megan Cutter, B.A.

What’s your story? We all go through challenging times or events in our lives that profoundly shift our perspectives in life. Journaling is one way to begin the healing, and writing your memoir is about creating the space to process you life’s journey. In this presentation, Megan Cutter will share her experiences in writing memoir, facilitating journaling groups and explore writing techniques that will help you on your own journey to healing.

105 Restoring the Self through Language—and Image, and music, and…. - Rebecca Dierking, M.A. and Roy Fox Ph.D.

In this session, Rebecca Dierking will first review how “other” symbol systems, not just language, accomplish the work of “healing” physical and psychological dilemmas, focusing on their major similarities and differences. Next, Roy Fox will demonstrate how words, when integrated with imagery, can extend and deepen the positive effects of expression. He will also report on his current research into how mental imagery affects the language and thinking of literacy experts who themselves employ writing as healing. Participants will write, critique writing/healing prompts, and speculate how and why the writers in this study make critical decisions.

201 Happy In Its Own Time: How the Muse Collaborates with the Spirit When Given the Chance - The Ninth Muse Writing Group (Franklin Abbott, LCSW, LaDonna Benedict, LPC, Jill Knueppel, LMT, Barbara Locascio, LCSW, Emily Simerly, Ph.D., Pat (“Wren”) Wells, LPC)

The Ninth Muse is a long-standing group of health care professionals anchoring each other to writing. We will share our history of forming, evolving and structuring our monthly meetings and in-between writing. We will offer suggestions for starting a writing group or working collaboratively with other writers, sharing some of our collective efforts.

202 The Healing Notebook - Diana M. Raab, M.F.A., R.N.

This workshop will focus on the benefits of keeping a notebook as a place to capture feelings, musings and sentiments before they vanish. The workshop will be useful for the writer, therapist and the patient. Journal-keeping as a healing art will be discussed, as well as the different types of journals that may be kept. Writing exercises and journaling tips will also be shared. Bring a notebook or journal.

203 Writing into Healing - Leatha Kendrick, M.A., M.F.A,

When we write, we can learn (again) to trust the voice that is great within us - our true speaking voice, not that voice that seems small, fearful, judgmental, smothered. In creating concrete, coherent narratives of what has befallen us, we can recover -- recover from illness, from crisis and trauma, from the years of living in fear and with self-condemnation. This workshop allows us to write together and experience what constitutes a healing narrative. The theoretical underpinnings arise from writings by James Pennebaker, Arthur Frank, and Louise DeSalvo.

204 A Spirit Laid Down in Chapters: Telling Your Story With Personal Essay - Emily Simerly, Ph.D.

There is something about a person's spirit that wants expression, wants to tell the world its story. This workshop will offer readings and examples of personal essay that mark primary passages through life. A structure will be offered to generate six "starter" chapters of a personal narrative for you to use as a memoir in the continuing adaptation to life. Whether you are 90 or 20, your spirit and truth will find welcome and healing here.

205 How Writing Heals: The Biological Underpinnings of Writing for Health - Brenda Stockdale, Ph.D.

Linking recent evidence of writing's role in health and wellness is a brief overview of psychoneuroimmunology and the newest player on the block, epigenetics. Recent findings in epidemiology pinpoint risk factors greater than obesity, cholesterol and even smoking history lie behind the biggest killers of our day: heart disease, cancer, autoimmunity and diabetes. This new understanding affects how we approach almost any illness or condition and highlights the need for effective behavioral medicine strategies in medical settings.

301 Blogging to Heal - Susan Bernard, M.A.

In this hands-on workshop, participants will learn the following: How to set up a blog even if you’re technology-challenged;How photographs and graphics can enhance self-expression;The different types of expressive writing that can be used when blogging to heal;How bloggers and/or blogger-clients can develop virtual support groups; and The do’s and don’ts of blogging to heal. Each participant will receive a Blogging to Heal brochure with a list of helpful resources.

302 Creating a Healing Writing Workshop in a Medical Facility: The Woven Dialog© Workshop, Sara Baker, M.A.

This workshop will introduce the theory and practice of offering a writing workshop for patients in a medical facility. It will introduce the participants to the challenges particular to the healthcare setting, including understanding where patients are in their treatment as well as where they are in their healing narrative, and it will offer practical techniques for providing safety and avoiding retraumatization.

303 Training Counselors to Use Writing as a Therapeutic Intervention - Noreen Lape, Ph.D. and Ric Long, Ph.D.

We will explain how we introduced graduate students in a counseling skills course – half of whom were military chaplains just home from Iraq -- to the therapeutic benefits of writing. Using examples of client writing and a method of close reading, we will discuss the characteristics of healing, depressed, and traumatized writing, and the clients who benefit most from a writing intervention. We will suggest strategies for responding to a client’s writing. We will also share a videotape of our follow-up conversation with the chaplains in which they talk about their use of writing with clients and as a form of self-care.

304 Writing Stories of Illness and Healing – Debbie McCulliss, R.N. M.A.

Stories of illness cannot be fragmented away from the deeper stories of our lives. This interactive workshop will give writers of all levels of experience an introduction to narrative medicine. Through facilitated dialogue, participants will respond to an illness narrative through examination of literary craft, expressive writing, and reflection and then write the beginnings of a story or poem about illness or care-giving that can serve as a catalyst for healing and wellness.

305 Setting up a Writing for Wellness Program within Your Church Community – Kathy Vayder, B.A.

Are you a part of a church or spiritual community? If so, consider setting up a wellness writing program within your community. Many churches have programs for those in immediate need, but how responsive is your church for ongoing care of its members? Workshop topics: Overcoming the obstacles of setting up a wellness writing program within a church setting; Benefits of a writing program within your church setting; Designing a specific curriculum and getting the word out; Excerpts from former class participants will also be shared.

Dr John Evans

noreply@blogger.com (Satia) — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 13:28:00 +0000

The following is an announcement Dr. John Evans is making about a book he is putting together.

My passion for and my personal experience with writing and healing convinced me to establish a conference that would attract people who see therapeutic value in writing memoirs, essays, fiction, poetry and drama. I wished to provide a lively resource for these like-minded people who write and for those working in the healthcare and counseling professions who wish to include writing as part of their practice. The culmination of my conviction that writing can be good for those who write is the Wellness & Writing Connections Conference series, this newsletter and a forthcoming book length collection of essays to be published Fall 2009 by Idyll Arbor, Inc.

This collection offers a representative sampling of keynote address speakers, presenters, and workshop leaders from the 2007 and 2008 conferences. The essay writers come from many parts of the United States and from many professions, including therapists, psychologists, counselors, nurses, poets, novelists, teachers, and researchers. All of the contributors write from the personal conviction that writing has served them and others in healthful ways they wish to share with you.

The essays are divided into four parts. The first part of the collection includes Pennebaker's and L'Abate's keynote addresses and McCulliss's essay about the theory and practice of poetry therapy. The second part of the collection includes essays about the uses of specific writing genres, from poetry to the braided essay, from workshop writing to writing in an academic setting. The third part of the collection includes essays that describe writing-to-heal workshops and programs. To conclude the collection is a bibliography of recent scholarly activity that I hope you will find useful in your further study.

Introducing Keynote Speaker for 2009 Conference

noreply@blogger.com (Satia) — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 18:01:00 +0000

Today I learned that Julie Davey will be the keynote speaker for the 2009 Wellness & Writing Connections Conference. I could not be more thrilled. At least year's conference, I had the honor to particpate in her workshop and, later, the two of us were paired off during another workshop where we shared our sacred space. I still recall the chills I experienced when she told me about her husband, the love she expressed is an inspiration.

I had been sharing my responses to the writing exercises in her book, Writing for Wellness. Life, however, got in my way and I stopped typing out my responses. Now I have more reason to return to those exercises and share my responses with all of you. In the meantime, I hope everyone will seek out a copy of the book for themselves and, if you do, please share with me what you write, if you are so inclined.

Also, consider subscribing to the Wellness & Writing Connections newsletter. You can do so easily by following this link. Look to the upper right hand corner and simply input your email.

Writing for Wellness Chapter Two

noreply@blogger.com (Satia) — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 23:22:00 +0000

I'm glad I'm prefacing these with a note that these are rough drafts. This haibun is too vague and the haiku are not very good. But rough drafts are not about perfection and this is a good point of reference for future revision.

Without you, I would not understand the implication nor the full meanings of sacrifice and forgiveness. That which preachers propagate from the pulpit becomes words withered into meaningless metaphor when measured in stretch marks. After all, aren’t the gods supposed to lead by example, sacrifice and forgive to show us the way, their way? But you—you are merely human and no matter how deeply I cut my teeth into your heart with my selfish and foolish beliefs, you turned to me with compassion.

Because you had no
Insurance, you had your teeth
Pulled out one by one

* * *

For Christmas you filled
My tights and life with lavish
Generosity

* * *

Even when I fought
To pull away, you promised
Not to turn from me

Writing for Wellness Chapter One

noreply@blogger.com (Satia) — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 00:22:00 +0000

I wrote the following in response to the exercise in Chapter One of Writing for Wellness by Julie Davey. This is a very rough draft (very very even) and I suppose I ought to apologize for the American haiku when it would be better for me to try to create one more traditional. I will try to do so when I revise. In the meantime, the rough draft in all its rough glory.

* * * * *

These apron ties that bind us grow stronger as life and experience continues. Now a new thread connects us. Two conditions. Similar experiences. We know the exhaustion of mindfulness as we measure each move we make, look to the horizon to assess the weather dreading anything inclement. We know the cost of going through the motions while weighed down with something incurable. Her neuropathy. My vertigo. Across the telephone we agree, say in empathy, “I know. I know. I know.”

* * *

these things that hold us
together are not
as lasting as love

* * *

could it be the times
I had benign lumps
my love went too far?

* * *

some things are unchanged
like how my hand in yours still
feels so much smaller

too small to hold on
when letting go becomes so
inevitable

What A Difference Two Years Make

noreply@blogger.com (Satia) — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 18:09:00 +0000

Today I did a lovely walking meditation. I first spent 10 minutes in seated meditation and then followed that with 20 minutes of walking meditation, basically pacing, very slowly, the span of the great room. Romanov watched me for a while but then decided it was entirely too boring and moved to lie in the kitchen.

Contrary to some assumptions, walking slowly requires much more balance than walking naturally. In other words, my choosing to do this is a triumph over the vertigo. It takes concentration and mindfulness.

This is how I live even when I move “naturally,” always aware of the slight shifts in my balance and making adjustments accordingly. I used a cd that came along with a book I have on walking meditation. Two years ago when I received this book/dvd/cd combination, I read the book (devoured it, really) and watched the dvd. I listened to the cd but I did all of these things in my bed, unable to participate in it actively. Instead, I visualized myself, focused my intention upon the day when I would do the meditation as it is presented.

And today I listened to the seated meditation practice and then allowed myself to explore the first walking meditation. Listening to Anh-Huong Nguyen soft voice reminded me very much of the first time I heard Thich Nhat Hanh speak. The only word I could come up with to describe it was/is Peace. I followed her delicate guidance throughout the thirty minutes and when the time was done, I just let the silence, disturbed only by the sound of my various wind chimes, embrace me.

It is a lovely day for me. A gracious and gentle day. I feel so wonderful for doing something today that was impossible for me two years ago.

Below is a portion of the video included in the book—Thich Nhat Hanh leading a discussion on walking meditation. The dvd that comes with the book is longer but this will give you an idea of what it is I am describing.

The Power of Self-Talk

noreply@blogger.com (Satia) — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 19:04:00 +0000

Today I looked at my resume again and noticed a mistake. I sat there, my jaw literally dropped. About once a month I update my resume in some manner—usually changing a few words here and there. I do the same thing with my cover letter and less than two weeks ago I was horrified to realize that there was an incomplete sentence in my cover letter.

Naturally, seeing this glaring error in my resume caused a flurry of fearful thoughts. How many jobs received this horrible resume from me? Why did I not notice this mistake previously? Should I reapply to those positions or just move forward with my now corrected resume and consider the previous jobs to which I applied a hopeless and lost cause?

Then came the more self-abusive questions. What is wrong with me? How could I not notice this mistake before? And after I already sent out that messed up cover letter, why am I continuing to sabotage myself? How could I be so stupid? So careless? How do I expect to get a job when I can’t even be professional enough to write something that isn’t a riddled with mistakes?

I didn’t indulge in this for more than a few instants.
I stopped. I breathed deeply. Then I replaced the thoughts with more gentle and compassionate words.

You are imperfect and made a mistake. That's okay. You are now aware of the mistakes and have already corrected them. You can update your resume on the various job search sites and do the same with your cover letter. There are other
jobs to which you can apply. Move forward. If you have the time, you can always go and reapply to the previous positions with the corrected copy of your resume and cover letter. The people who saw the incorrect ones would not recognize you if they passed you on the street so it won’t have far-reaching repercussions. Life goes on. So shall you.

I made a conscientious effort to say more positive things than I had negative. I chose to replace the self-abusive thoughts with more loving encouraging words. In essence, I said what I would to my children, reassuring them in the face of a seeming disaster in hopes of empowering them to move on.

No matter how often I remind myself to do so, I still need to be reminded to be as gentle with myself as I try to be with others. It’s good to see, I’m still open to learning and trying to learn from my mistakes.

The Fine Line Between Reason and Excuse

noreply@blogger.com (Satia) — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 19:31:00 +0000

In keeping with the epiphanies Rob and I seem to be having with this new year, I’ve had yet another and this one has to do with my qigong practice. I wrote the other day about how I didn’t sink into the practice and just sort of gave up on it for the day. I tried again and pushed through the next day but the day after that the same thing happened. And, the truth is, even on the one day I finished it although I felt the energy (the chi) it never reached the full experience.

Today I chose not to give up nor push through. Instead, I allowed myself to feel the experience to see why I wasn’t sinking into the practice as I have before. It didn’t take long to feel the tension. It was in my feet because the vertigo was shifting my balance ever so slightly.

The tension in my feet was only the starting point, however, because as I kept adjusting for the vertigo, my legs and hips and lower back were also adjusting.

When I was finished I knew why my qigong practice felt so compromised. I talked to Rob about it and explained that I probably have to put the standing practice aside for now. I am going to listen through some of the cds I have to see which, if any, have seated qigong practices. (I have a dvd that has seated meditations and if necessary I will use that but I would prefer to use the cds that come along with the qigong course I have.)

What will I do if the kit does not have a seated qigong practice?

I will begin doing Reiki to myself on a daily basis.
I will do yoga each morning and perhaps a second practice in the evening.
I will do the things I know that help me live more comfortably with the vertigo and . . . .
. . .avoid the things that exacerbate it, to the best of my ability.

All of this got me to thinking about the differences between reasons and excuses. I have a reason not to exercise—vertigo. There is a list of things I simply cannot do because they push me beyond my physical limits. The idea of a long hike through the woods is lovely. The thought that I might have a full episode halfway along the trail is not so lovely. Rock climbing and/or bouldering are no longer a possibility and although I’d hoped to someday learn how to enjoy inline skating, unless the vertigo goes away completely I doubt I’ll have the opportunity in this life.

And that’s okay. These are all things I cannot do *with good reason.*

However, there is a tendency to let a reason become an excuse. Because I can’t do so many things I have never tried and some things I love doesn’t mean I can’t do something. It is so easy to let reason slip into an excuse.

When the vertigo first hit, I was literally slammed into my bed and stuck. Imagine my delight when my mother sent me a book Yoga in Bed. When I grew stronger and more able to maintain my balance, I graduated from my bed to a chair and used a dvd Sitting Fit: Easy and Effective Chair Yoga.

Now, nearly two years later and able to walk without a walker, I still can’t do a full tree pose. Instead, my “raised” foot remains near my ankle, sometimes so low that my toes are touching the floor slightly. Sometimes I have a good day and surprise myself by being able to raise my foot closer to my knee.

But two years ago when I couldn’t even stand without leaning on something, I didn’t avoid tree pose. Rather, I modified the pose. I created, although I’m sure I’m not the first to do this, the supine tree pose. In other words, instead of standing I lay on the ground and slowly moved into the pose just as though I were standing. Of course, I knew I was not reaping the full benefits of the pose because I did not have to work to maintain my balance. Still, as I lay there I visualized myself standing. Sometimes, I would even press my foot into the wall or a piece of furniture to add a physical stimuli reinforcing my visualization. I would feel myself standing on the floor and then slowly raise my one foot along my leg, draw my hands into prayer position, and breathe as I allowed myself to sink into the asana.

I have a reason why I can’t do tree pose. It is simply too easy for me to fall over and possibly hurt myself. But that reason cannot become an excuse.

I will continue to push my limits and hit many walls as I occasionally push myself too hard. This is the act of love I give to myself, a desire to not live within my limits but to expand them.

Maybe someday I’ll be standing in vrksasana and feel my raised foot move up to my thigh. I still hope and believe such things are possible. In the meantime, on a good day my foot will settle about halfway between my knee and my ankle and on a bad day you can find me lying on the floor somewhere.

Emotions in Motion

noreply@blogger.com (Satia) — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 16:08:00 +0000

Lately, I keep reading about ways to allow time for “negative” emotions. No emotion is actually positive or negative but we try to avoid those feelings that are less welcome—like depression or anger or worry. It is easy to try to push these feelings away when we are feeling overwhelmed by them. But we know that avoiding them is not the answer. Dr. Carolyn Myss, in her book Why People Don’t Heal and How They Can, suggests setting aside some time to immerse one’s self in the emotion for a few hours or even a full day.

Of course, there are legitimate times for these emotions to arise and saturate our daily experience. It is natural and necessary to grieve and feel depressed when experiencing a loss and only someone with an abundant savings account would not feel some stress and anxiety when faced with a lay off.

To be honest, there are simply time when it is perhaps best to sit with the sadness, the anger, the fear rather than avoid it. Interestingly, everything I’ve read cautioned against sinking into a pity party. In other words, while giving permission to feel whatever it is you need to feel, there is a warning to not allow one’s self to feel too much of anything.

I wonder if it would not be best to say it is okay. It is okay to be so consumed by grief that this is all you can feel. It is okay if you are scared for your future when struggling to make financial ends meet in the face of unemployment. And when these “negative” emotions have a hold then it is also okay to set aside time to feel something “positive.”

When immersed in worry, it is okay to make time to feel relaxed. Take a soothing bath. Meditate. Listen to soothing music. Give yourself a massage.

When immersed in anger, it is okay to make time to feel peaceful. Go outside for a relaxing walk. Breathe deeply and slowly. Sip a cup of herbal tea.

When immersed in grief, it is okay to make time to feel joy. Play with puppies or kittens. Dance wildly. Sing. Paint. Watch a funny movie.

All of these things have a natural time limit and when the time is up, if you still need to feel anxiety or rage or sorrow that is okay too.

Test

noreply@blogger.com (Satia) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 17:27:00 +0000

All of 2008 I had requested that the admin look at my blog which was, for some erroneous reason, labeled as spam.

It looks like the annoying verification has actually been removed. If so, then you will read this post and wonder what it is about.

What you are looking at is evidence that tenacity is not pointless.

This Year's Dedication

noreply@blogger.com (Satia) — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 19:19:00 +0000

There are only two ways to live your life.

One is as though nothing is a miracle.

The other is as if everything is.

Albert Einstein

I wrote in a thank you card: I am dedicating 2009 and making it the Year of Thriving!

As a part of this, I am beginning the New Year by focusing on miracles. I am going to be reading A Course in Miracles while also asking myself: What are the miracles I would like to experience in 2009?

I would love to have some success in my vocation this year.
I will lose the weight I gained after I came down with vertigo.
I want to find new circles of friends to add flavor to my life.
I desire a deeper spiritual practice.
My daily disciplines will include meditation, exercise, and making healthy choices for myself.

These are the big miracles. The smaller ones are here with me each and every day. The way I am greeted by my dogs in the morning. The I love you’s I receive from my family and friends. The miraculous turning point at which each exhale becomes an inhale.

It’s all here, in this moment, the miraculous and mundane. Such is life.

The Dream You Live

noreply@blogger.com (Satia) — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 17:03:00 +0000

One person working toward a dream is worth 99 people just working.—Lani Kraus

I used to conduct a social experiment with my married friends, the ones who had children and were relatively happy with their lives even though they had health or financial concerns or other daily issues that many of us face to one degree or another.

Inevitably, when I would ask these women “What do you want for you life?” they would say they wanted:

Their spouse to get a promotion/raise/business success.
To have their children do well in school.
To see their children grown and happy.

Never, not once, did I hear an answer to my question. I didn’t ask my friends what they wanted for their husbands and/or their children. I asked them what they wanted for themselves. So I would say, “I asked you want you wanted for YOUR life. So what do you want?”

They would look at me with a blank stare, unable to express even a single selfish wish for themselves.

So many people right now are facing the fear of layoffs, unemployment, and struggling in an economy where banks, newspapers, and even entire nations are declaring bankruptcy and shutting down.

I am trying to focus on this time in our world as a shift in opportunity. With the financial rug ripped out from beneath our feet, we are all free falling into something new. Now is a time to assess and consider the gifts we each have, to consider our heart’s true and deepest desire, and how we might best live out our calling.

Now, as the year closes, is a perfect time to sit down with a pen and paper and think about your natural talents and how they can best serve yourself, your family, and your community. Begin here, now, to taste the sweetness of living within your calling and embracing your essential self. Start small and allow new opportunities to respond to your openness for bigger ways to find your fulfillment. Yes, it is a scary time. It is also a time of wondrous opportunity.

It’s also not a bad idea to go ahead and update the résumé, just in case.

Fine Line Between Denial and Hope

noreply@blogger.com (Satia) — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 16:13:00 +0000

Me: Sometimes I wonder where denial and hope overlap.
Rob: They don’t. But they often run parallel to one another.

This is the niggling doubt that runs in the back of the mind of anyone with a chronic condition. What if the doctors are wrong? What if medical science will make some new discovery? What if tomorrow it goes away just like that? *snap*

It could happen.

For me, that is how it hit. One day I woke up with an equilibrium day. Not unusual. I would bump into things, knock things over, my depth perception miscuing my movements.

The next day I walked into a wall. No longer bumping off edges, my eyes were the only thing bouncing around as I tried to navigate the short distance between bed and bathroom.

Nearly two years later, I still hold onto the hope that I will wake up and be fine. Or maybe one of my many doctors’ office will call and say, “You know, we just realized we didn’t try something.” Or that there will be an article in some medical journal that will reveal some new research that can take me back to three years ago.

It could happen.

I’m not sure where I am along the fault line of denial and hope. Maybe Rob is right and instead of their being a point at which I cross over from one to the other. Maybe I’m just walking parallel paths, one foot in denial and the other landing in hope.

It’s okay either way. From where I’m standing, swaying on my feet, it beats having one foot in despair.

The Bridge of a Smile

noreply@blogger.com (Satia) — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 20:51:00 +0000

The other day I was walking through the neighborhood as I have been trying to do more often. A chance to get outside, get some fresh air, some exercise, etc. I passed one of our neighbors who lives around the corner.

Now, I had passed him just the day before on a previous walk. He was working on the truck and was underneath it, only his legs sticking out from underneath. I said "good morning" as I approached the truck to be polite, not wanting to sneak up on him or something that might startle him in any way. He slid himself out from underneath and looked at me with absolutely no expression whatsoever, as if he did not recognize me or could not comprehend why I would say good morning to him.

I continued on my walk unperturbed that day and here I was once again approaching him although this time he was not underneath his truck but beside it. When I approached he turned and looked at me with that same lack of recognition. But he had seen me just the day before and while I can understand someone not recognizing me after a week or so, I would think that upon seeing me within the same context I might merit at least a smile in response to the smile I gave to him as I passed.

But he did not smile nor did he say a word. He watched me walk by and I can only assume returned to working on his truck. As I continued my walk around the neighborhood I didn’t think further about it but when I it came time to decide whether to extend my walk so as to take my usual route which would cross that same intersection again or avoid it, and my unsmiling neighbor, altogether, I actually decided to cut my walk short because I felt uncomfortable walking past him again.

Once home I pondered this discomfort and I realized that had he smiled or even muttered a "hello" or "good morning" to me, I would have happily completed my full circuit. A simple gesture would have made the difference between my feeling safe in my own neighborhood and my feeling uncomfortable and unwelcome.

Who knew a simple smile could reach so far?

Silence That Kills

noreply@blogger.com (Satia) — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 15:05:00 +0000

I seem to be reading a lot of books in which the consequences of silence are repercussive.

There are spoilers beyond this point! Be warned and proceed with caution.

I received a pre-release copy of The Cure for Grief by Nellie Hermann. This novel is about a young girl, Ruby Bronstein, who is dealing with an incredible amount of pain. Her father, a Holocaust survivor, has blocked his memories of his experience and, shortly after a trip to the concentration camp where he was imprisoned, he is diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor. This happens after her oldest brother has a breakdown and eventually is institutionalized because he is schizophrenic. And as if this were not enough, her favorite brother comes home from college only to be diagnosed with the same form of cancer that had killed her father.

And nobody in the family talks about any of it. Everything is okay. Everyone is fine. Ruby, however, with her silent witness is aware that things are not only not okay but they are getting worse and if someone doesn’t do something none of them will ever be truly fine again. At the novel’s inevitable climax, Ruby snaps at her third and only healthy brother and her mother, screaming the truths she has been holding buried. Although the novel doesn’t carry the story much further than beyond this point, it is enough to know that the healing Ruby needs lay in her ability to finally say what she knew to be true and that the amount of pain they were all carrying would kill them if they did not honor the pain by at least being honest with one another.

A friend and I had agreed to read Quakeland by Francesca Lia Block along with me and in doing so mentioned she had once read a book by her. Which is why I reread I Was a Teenage Fairy by Francesca Lia Block to sort of remind myself of the story. I thought that by rereading this book I would give us both a reference point by which to compare and contrast the more recent publication.

I Was a Teenage Fairy is about pedophilia as experienced and witnessed through the eyes of Barbie Marks, a child whose mother is trying to live her modeling dreams through her only daughter. When Barbie is sexually molested, she says nothing until five years later when, during a photo shoot with the same photographer who had molested her as a child triggers a response. She exposes him as a pedophile and confronts her mother. By doing so Barbie is freed to live her own dreams, leaving modeling behind, moving out of her mother’s home and making a life for herself.

From my own experience, my silence nearly destroyed my family. I learned how to speak by writing. Journaling to myself was a dangerous act in a home where my husband did not understand boundaries. Nevertheless, I kept writing, hiding in poetry what I was most afraid of writing.

Silence maintained the status quo. The status quo was killing me. Eventually, what I wrote on the page had saturated me to the point where I had to say something. When I started to speak out it was dangerous because it threatened to tear my home, and my family, apart.

I did and it did and, when the dust settled, I put the home and family back together without my husband. It was inevitable.