Silence That Kills

I seem to be reading a lot of books in which the consequences of silence are repercussive.

There are spoilers beyond this point! Be warned and proceed with caution.

I received a pre-release copy of The Cure for Grief by Nellie Hermann. This novel is about a young girl, Ruby Bronstein, who is dealing with an incredible amount of pain. Her father, a Holocaust survivor, has blocked his memories of his experience and, shortly after a trip to the concentration camp where he was imprisoned, he is diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor. This happens after her oldest brother has a breakdown and eventually is institutionalized because he is schizophrenic. And as if this were not enough, her favorite brother comes home from college only to be diagnosed with the same form of cancer that had killed her father.

And nobody in the family talks about any of it. Everything is okay. Everyone is fine. Ruby, however, with her silent witness is aware that things are not only not okay but they are getting worse and if someone doesn’t do something none of them will ever be truly fine again. At the novel’s inevitable climax, Ruby snaps at her third and only healthy brother and her mother, screaming the truths she has been holding buried. Although the novel doesn’t carry the story much further than beyond this point, it is enough to know that the healing Ruby needs lay in her ability to finally say what she knew to be true and that the amount of pain they were all carrying would kill them if they did not honor the pain by at least being honest with one another.

A friend and I had agreed to read Quakeland by Francesca Lia Block along with me and in doing so mentioned she had once read a book by her. Which is why I reread I Was a Teenage Fairy by Francesca Lia Block to sort of remind myself of the story. I thought that by rereading this book I would give us both a reference point by which to compare and contrast the more recent publication.

I Was a Teenage Fairy is about pedophilia as experienced and witnessed through the eyes of Barbie Marks, a child whose mother is trying to live her modeling dreams through her only daughter. When Barbie is sexually molested, she says nothing until five years later when, during a photo shoot with the same photographer who had molested her as a child triggers a response. She exposes him as a pedophile and confronts her mother. By doing so Barbie is freed to live her own dreams, leaving modeling behind, moving out of her mother’s home and making a life for herself.

From my own experience, my silence nearly destroyed my family. I learned how to speak by writing. Journaling to myself was a dangerous act in a home where my husband did not understand boundaries. Nevertheless, I kept writing, hiding in poetry what I was most afraid of writing.

Silence maintained the status quo. The status quo was killing me. Eventually, what I wrote on the page had saturated me to the point where I had to say something. When I started to speak out it was dangerous because it threatened to tear my home, and my family, apart.

I did and it did and, when the dust settled, I put the home and family back together without my husband. It was inevitable.

On Journaling

In Fall Head Over Heals in Love With Yourself I read a post about journaling. At the time I was also working my way through Kathleen Adams' Way of the Journal. It isn't that I stopped journaling but I wanted to use this workbook to sample some journaling exercises I hadn't tasted in a while. It is also a good thing to occasionally step beyond a comfort zone even in journaling. It is so easy to write day after day the same thing without making much emotional progress.

One of the exercises from the book I didn't like was the AlphaPoem. I didn't feel that the exercise afforded me the writing freedom to get too deep with my topic. Here is an example of what I wrote:

Violent, the world shifts.
Everything moves and I
Reach for the wall,
Toppling a lamp as
I land unharmed, then
Get up slowly
Only to fall again.

This is an actual experience from my early vertigo days. The lamp, thankfully, survived my fall.
In her post, Aqsa Vareen says that writing our thoughts in a journal allows us to objectify them, to step back and recognize that what we wrote is not true. This reminded me of what Maggie Edson said at the conference, about the tradition of taking a stone and leaving it at sacred places, these sacramental stone pillars and mounds marking emotional memorials.

There is something sacred about approaching the page, especially when our intention is to somehow explore the truth, our own truth especially. That we then can look at what we have written and see how even our own truth changes in incremental ways is not a coincidence. The very act of writing is transformational.

Yoga and Vertigo

I found this article on yoga and vertigo which I naturally find very exciting. I’ve been using yoga to help me cope with my vertigo, learning how to do yoga in a chair, then focusing on supine positions until I could gradually work my way up to standing. I still find there are days when I can easily sink into a warrior pose while other days I can barely stand in mountain pose. But my tree pose lying down is sublime. *grin*

The article focuses on vestibular vertigo—related to the ear. This is not the type I have but I figure that it can’t hurt for me to explore these asanas. I have to confess that I have to laugh at the thought of my trying to rise into a head stand when I can barely stand on some days but since I have done shoulder stands before it may simply be a matter of my retraining my body to do what it already knows and then daring it to move beyond. Is yoga like riding a bike? I suppose I am about to find out.

Mala Asana (Garland pose)
Salamaba Sirsasana (head stand)
Hala Asana (Plough posture)
Paschimottana Asana (Back bend)
Shrava Asana (Corpse Pose)
Nadi Sodhana Pranayama
Sanmukhi Mudra

Wellness and Writing Conference 2008 Day Two

Saturday, the second day of the conference, began with a glorious keynote speech by Margaret Edson. I felt even more remorse for my inability to stay to see her movie, Wit. (I later spoke with my mother and she had seen it in the theater. Said it was marvelous and that she would assume Edson is very intelligent. I said her speech was sharp and very interesting.)

I took notes wished I could write faster, that there were a video camera in the room, that I could capture her expressive face between the lines. This video is the closest I can come.

After the high of this keynote, I wondered if I would be able to focus well enough for Fran Dorf’s “Writing Fiction to Save My Life.” I had avoided reading her novel, which is about a mother whose son is in a coma, because I was already so immersed in sad books that another one seemed unnecessary. (Just this morning Rob said I had to stop reading sad books.)

She read a wonderful poem by Elaine Equi at one point and encouraged us to write one of our own. The title of the poem Things to Do in the Bible served as a launching pad and we naturally I wrote a list poem called Things to Do When You Lose Your Balance. But before we started writing, she showed a sort of cloud list of the things the people she worked with had written in response to this poem, drawing on their experiences with losing a child. One of the items “Hate everyone who hasn’t lost a child” was so cold in its honesty, so damned perfect, I felt breathless with wonder and admiration for every parent who has ever admitted to feeling hatred like this.

Dorf also led us through a dialogue and, still avoiding, I talked to God rather than my vertigo. It felt safer. I guess I’m still under the assumption God will forgive and I know my vertigo is unforgiving.

From there I moved to Emily Simerly’s “A Spirit Laid Down in Chapter.” She had set up the room with darkness, candles, and immediately the sense of moving beyond the conference sank in. It is no surprise that I started tapping into the darker things in this session. I had been spiraling towards them since the first session at the conference. Simerly read samples from essays written by herself and others. These were the starting points. After she read, we would write quietly, letting the pen flow.

I left the haven of her session having touched something deep and needing more of my time. Moving into Debbie McCullis’ session on “Writing and Poetry Therapy” which exacerbated the emotional situation for me. I simply could not dig deeper in that environment. I needed to go somewhere to write alone and at length to do the experiences and emotions justice. I followed her exercises but cut myself and them short. I had to. Had I continued writing, I would have likely started to cry and I didn’t want to distract or disrupt.

I’ve long known about poetry therapy (at least ten years now, maybe more) and sitting in on this session reinforced my belief that this is a wonderful means of offering healing. And what I began writing in this session, and some of the others, will be explored at more length going forward. I have the foundation for some brilliant journaling and perhaps even a poem or two.

Afterwards, there was a town hall meeting in which everyone who was still present discussed what they would like to see for next year’s conference. I’d personally like to see more people attend because it was a wonderful experience for me. I may have experienced some stirrings of emotional pain but it was more inspiring than anything else.

I am looking forward to 2009’s conference already.

Wellness and Writing Connections Conference 2008 Friday

Acrophobia
Altophobia
Hypsophobia
Vertigo

I feel like singing “One of these things is not like the others.” Often when I tell people I have vertigo they immediately say, “Oh. So you’re afraid of heights?”

No. I have a healthy respect for heights, meaning I don’t like to hanging by my fingertips from a cliff or stand on the window ledge of a skyscraper. Then again, who does? What having vertigo means is that inside my head I get signals, mis-messages [sic] that say the floor or chair or bed is moving. Constantly. I have good days and bad days but pretty much deal with the constant ebb and flow of my misperceptions.

This also explains why I found the Wellness and Writing Connections Conference exhausting. Between sessions I dealt with the visual stimulus of people moving and the distractions of talking. And there is so much for me to share that it will be hard to touch on it all.

The opening keynote speaker, Dr Luciano L’Abate, spoke about using writing to facilitate therapy. I remember when I was seeing a counselor at Kennesaw State University, I was also journaling a great deal. The counselor once commented on this, saying that during our sessions she would often feel she had pushed me too hard only to have me show up for the next session, having worked through so much more in my journal. What Dr L’Abate described was obviously more guided than my filling pages of my typical stream-of-consciousness stuff.

The first break-out session I participated in was with Julie Davey who volunteers at the City of Hope where she leads a “Writing for Wellness” workshop. This was the perfect starting point for me because it offered a warm introduction to the topic of writing for wellness. She shared how she became a volunteer and some of the writings of her participants. She then passed out some leaves and encouraged us to write about the leaf. Afterwards, we were invited to share our writing. I did not share what I wrote. In fact, I didn’t share anything I wrote at all the entire conference. It was enough for me to be there and writing.

The next break-out session was with Gail Radley and here is where I began touching my own pain and frustration. I chose this session knowing I would learn something that I could carry away because the focus was on “chronic pain and other health challenges.” My mother ‘s neuralgia and my vertigo are both chronic. She discussed the human need to make meaning out of experience and led us through a wonderful guided meditation.

I was able to fight the tears but they were absolutely present, something I could not hide from Ridley who approached me afterwards. What I learned is that I am not ready to accept my vertigo is incurable, that I will never be free from it, and that I feel like crying. Maybe because I haven’t given it any meaning in my life yet. Some things just take time.

The third and final break-out session for the first day was with Debra Moffit, a very soft-spoken woman who had us sit in a circle. This was challenging for me because the chairs did not have arms and without a table to lean on and with more than a little tiredness blurring my walls, I started feeling a little nauseous.

She led us through a guided meditation in which we thought about our sacred space. The place that immediately came to my mind is the yoga facility at the New Age Health Spa. I almost resisted it but then embraced it. While not my ideal, it has a quietness that I would hope to develop in my own sacred space.

After writing about what we saw/experienced during the meditation, we paired off to discuss what we wrote with another person. I was graced with sharing with Julie Davey who listened with great openness. When she shared her writing, I literally got chills at the last sentence. So beautiful was what she described, full of metaphor and inspiration. The next day she autographed a copy of her book for me in which she wrote that she would picture me in my sacred space.

By this time, I was simply too tired to remain. I would have loved to stay and watch the movie Wit. It was beyond my abilities. I went outside to wait for Rob and was joined by a lizard who bravely waited near me, shifting from bright green to a dark brown. Eventually it went away when Debra Moffit and another presenter came down the stairs.

When I came home, Rob made me something to eat after which I passed out because I was simply too tired to stay awake. I had hoped to watch Wit but I didn't even have the energy for that.

Wellness and Writing Connections Conference

I am going the the Wellness and Writing Connections Conference tomorrow and Saturday. Here is the agenda, including the specific breakout sessions I have selected.

Friday, October 10, 2008 - General Sessions

7:45 - 8:30 Check-in and Continential Breakfast

8:30 - 9:15 Welcome by Executive Director John Evans, EdDKeynote: Wellness and Programmed Writing by Luciano L'Abate, PhD, Emeritus Professor of Psychology, Georgia State University

Writing for Wellness: A Prescription for Healing - Julie Davey, MA
Author of the recent book, Writing for Wellness: A Prescription for Healing, will explain the unique, focused and directed writing techniques she has developed and uses in her Writing for Wellness classes at City of Hope National Cancer Center in California. Ms. Davey, a college writing professor and two-time cancer survivor will then lead conference attendees in a hands-on writing session to demonstrate how the process helps healing.

Writing with the Ink of Light on the Tablet of the Spirit: Coping with Chronic Pain & Other Health Challenges - Gail Radley MA
In this workshop, participants will experience writing exercises, prompts, & strategies designed to help writers move from despair to transcendence. As important as self-expression is, writing that only expresses angst may deepen a feeling of victimization. Meaning and control are key elements in moving away from a victim mentality, as is writing toward satisfying resolutions. Participants will gain a variety of ideas to help patients both express their feelings and gain insights through creative journaling. Handouts will include guided meditation and writing prompts.

12:45 -1:30 Lunch

Journey into the Secret Garden: Inner Travel for Creative Life - Debra Moffit
Joseph Campbell defines sacred space as a place "where you simply experience and bring forth what you are and what you might be. This is the place of creative incubation." Writing is an act of the highest spiritual nature that grows out of this sacred space. Writing from sacred space means writing from the spiritual heart. This workshop will work with meditation, dreams, symbolic sight and spiritual values to dig to the heart of the sacred space within. Some of the brief sections could include: Meditation: Making Time to Listen to the Still, Small Voice Within; Values as Foundation of Your Writing; Clearing Out the Trash to Uncover the Heart or Ms. Dee Niles Cleans House::My House of Dreams: Coming Home to My Self; Sacred Space = Creative Space: Understanding The Creative Process.

3:15 - 5:45 Wit by Margaret Edson: A Viewing and Discussion by Noreen Lape, PhD
As prelude to Ms. Edson’s keynote address on Saturday, this special viewing of the HBO version of her Pulitzer prize winning play, Wit, will be introduced by Dr. Noreen Lape who will also facilitate a discussion of the film with the audience, emphasizing the illness narrative and the depiction of dying. The play, which is set in a hospital, focuses on an English Professor who is dying of cancer and details her personal journey as well as her interactions with various medical professionals as she lives out her final days. In addition, Dr. Nape will raise the issue of how viewing and writing about the film might be used to help those writing through illness.


Saturday, October 11, 2008 - General Sessions

8:00 - 8:30 Continential Breakfast
8:30 - 9:15 Welcome by Executive Director John Evans, EdD
Keynote: Why Write about Illness? by Margaret Edson, Pulitzer Prize winning playwright of Wit

Writing Fiction to Save My Life: Thirteen years after her son's death, a novelist reflects on her own writing/publishing experience and demonstrates how fictional techniques can facilitate healing - Fran Dorf, MA, MSW (expected 2009)

Part One: Integrating theory, the work of other fiction writers and memoirists, her own bereavement, and writing/publishing experience, novelist Fran Dorf reflects on the process and consequences of turning her grief into Saving Elijah, an unconventional novel that is part ghost story, part thriller, and part family drama, which is itself an extended metaphor for the psychological process of grief. Fran's talk, based on her essay, "My Son's Name Was Michael—Not Elijah," will also focus on writing as "reinvestment," the choice to write a novel instead of a memoir, re-traumatization, Fran's decision to publicly reveal the inspiration for her third novel, and other issues that will be instructive to an interdisciplinary group.

Part Two: The "Write-To-Heal" Workshop, which Fran has conducted with bereaved parents, cancer patients, homeless and addiction support groups, uses fictional techniques to help people identify, claim, give voice to, and integrate the complex, difficult emotions surrounding grief, loss, and/or trauma. The workshop employs interrogative techniques, some arising out of themes developed in Saving Elijah, to deepen and clarify self knowledge, and exercises to stimulate the imagination and generate meaningful story, memoir, metaphor, and/or image. The workshop is tailored to the needs and interests of the participants, and is accessible to anyone.

A Spirit Laid Down in Chapters: Telling Your Story With Personal Essay - Emily Simerly, PhD
There is something about a person's spirit that wants expression, wants to tell the world its story. This workshop will offer readings and examples of personal essay that mark primary passages through life. A structure will be offered to generate six "starter" chapters of a personal narrative for you to use as a memoir in the continuing adaptation to life. Whether you are 90 or 20, your spirit and truth will find welcome and healing here.

11:15 - 12:15 Poetry Reading: Anne Webster and Jennifer Johnson

12:15 -1:00 Lunch

Writing and Poetry Therapy - Debbie McCulliss, RN
Poetry therapy is defined as personal growth through language, symbol and story. Poetry therapy can increase awareness, illuminate the mysterious, generate creativity and allow one's soul to speak. In this interactive workshop, participants will experience freedom of mind, imagination, language, and spirit through the use of poetry, writing and facilitated dialogue. Experience in writing or reading poetry not necessary.

4:15 - 4:45 Closing Session