Fine Line Between Denial and Hope

Me: Sometimes I wonder where denial and hope overlap.
Rob: They don’t. But they often run parallel to one another.

This is the niggling doubt that runs in the back of the mind of anyone with a chronic condition. What if the doctors are wrong? What if medical science will make some new discovery? What if tomorrow it goes away just like that? *snap*

It could happen.

For me, that is how it hit. One day I woke up with an equilibrium day. Not unusual. I would bump into things, knock things over, my depth perception miscuing my movements.

The next day I walked into a wall. No longer bumping off edges, my eyes were the only thing bouncing around as I tried to navigate the short distance between bed and bathroom.

Nearly two years later, I still hold onto the hope that I will wake up and be fine. Or maybe one of my many doctors’ office will call and say, “You know, we just realized we didn’t try something.” Or that there will be an article in some medical journal that will reveal some new research that can take me back to three years ago.

It could happen.

I’m not sure where I am along the fault line of denial and hope. Maybe Rob is right and instead of their being a point at which I cross over from one to the other. Maybe I’m just walking parallel paths, one foot in denial and the other landing in hope.

It’s okay either way. From where I’m standing, swaying on my feet, it beats having one foot in despair.