Opening Up by James W Pennebaker, Chapter Eight

There is not necessarily a coincidence about some things. I was thinking about friendships and how they often fall into degrees of intimacy, often based on how honest both parties feel they can be. Very often, this is not a balanced exchange. One person may be able to be more honest while the other withholds information. I know that I have often allowed myself to be the confidant of another person while not reciprocating. In fact, I can think of times when I have done this intentionally.

For me, there is a great deal of truth in what Pennebaker says regarding journals.

If you use a journal to explore your deepest thoughts and feelings, you can be completely honest with yourself. No one will judge you, criticize you, or distrust your perception of the world. Writing, however, has its drawbacks. It can be a slow and painful process. Many people find it difficult to express themselves on paper. Sometimes people’s perception of their own world can be distorted (110).

I don’t know that I feel an absence of having a confidant because I have long learned to write my confessions into a journal. And there have been times when I know my perceptions are not precise. I also know that my journal has forced me to face my misperceptions, to address them and make the necessary changes.

There have been times when I could not do this alone and I have used counseling to help me through some of the more difficult challenges in my life. I remember one counselor who remarked that I would make a great deal of progress between sessions. I know that this has more to do with my journaling than it did with my commitment to being healthy. After all, at the time I did not know that writing made such a difference, had so much potential. I knew I wrote because I needed to write. I did not know why I had this need.

Sometimes, in spite of my experience and the studying I am doing, I can’t say that I fully understand my own “why.” Still, it is not easy to find any one person who meets the various criteria for a good confidant.

Self-disclosure will change the nature of your friendship.
Hearing your traumas can be a trauma for the listener.
Social blackmail exists.
The expectations of the listener can affect the content of the disclosure.
People’s motivations for disclosing their secrets are not always pure. Telling and holding secrets can be a maladaptive substitute for taking action. (116-117)

Aside from professional counselors, who can honestly claim that complete honesty would not change the nature of a relationship? That they would not withhold truth if they saw that their words inflicted pain upon the listener?

I know that I have had my confidences betrayed by friends who claimed they only did so because they cared, because they believed it was in my best interest. And I am not sincerely capable of listening without judgment. I know this and I suppose, for this reason, I suspect this to be true of even my most beloved friends.

What I would encourage anyone reading this to know is that a journal can serve as a foundation for much growth, strength, and healing but it cannot do all of the work. If you find yourself writing about the same circumstances, if you begin to feel that journaling is useless and serves no purpose.

When you burnout on journaling, there is usually a reason and this should be a warning, a clarion bell encouraging you to move beyond mere journaling. Journals are subjective and it is necessary to have some objectivity. Even habitual journal writers cannot be objective about everything and this is most often manifested, at least initially, in some journaling burnout.
And it reinforces the final point, that keeping a journal is not a substitute for making changes. If you are complaining about the same things repeatedly in a journal to the point that you are “tired of writing the same thing day after day,” stop. Stop writing about the same thing and start asking what you can do to make some changes. And if you have no answer, know that the time may have come to move beyond the pages of your journal. Read books. Find a support group. Seek professional help. Be honest. Be ruthless. What you may lose weighs nothing against what is gained.