Opening Up by James W. Pennebaker, PhD Chapter Two

I am reading, ironically enough, Judith Harris’ The Bad Secret. I consider this ironic because in Pennebaker’s Opening Up I am repeatedly reading about how important it is to be open, to be honest, to not have secrets. In other words, there is no such thing as a good secret.

Oddly, it made no difference what the particular trauma had been. The only distinguishing feature was that the trauma had not been talked about to others. A sexual trauma that was not confided was no worse than a death in the family that was not discussed (19).

These chosen family secrets, those skeletons in the closet, we know, intellectually, that they will come out. Somehow these pains manifest themselves either in psychological, emotional, or physical disorders. We know but we don’t act. We don’t speak. We think that because one person has refused to listen, nobody wants to hear.

But equally remarkable is that it is not necessary to have a listening ear, per se. You don’t need a sympathetic physical person sitting across from you, compassionately listening, or offering a shoulder on which to cry.

The more people prayed about their deceased spouses, the healthier they were. Prayer, in fact, worked the same way as talking to friends about the death. It is easy to see why this true: Prayer is a form of disclosure or confiding (24).

The implication is clear; journaling is a resource that can help facilitate healing. Writing helps the individual explore those details that people don’t want to discuss, are not ready to expose themselves, or who simply are too hurt themselves to face.

I am reminded of a former coworker whose husband, from whom she was separated, committed suicide. It was a shock for everyone in the office and the day before the coworker returned an email went out saying that the coworker did not want to talk about what had happened. At the time I understood the need to get back to work, to return to normalcy. But I also knew and hoped that she wasn’t being silent outside of the office, that she had people to whom she could turn who would listen to her cry, let her ask the unanswerable questions, and remind her to breathe deeply.

I found it curious that Pennebaker’s research found that widows/widowers of suicidal spouses were emotionally stronger than those men and women who spouses died in an accident or from a disease. He suggests that the reasons for this may be 1) there are support groups created for families who have lost someone due to suicide and 2) that often suicide can be, at least with 20/20 hindsight, recognized as a possibility, that the suicidal person was depressed before the act occurred. When a person loses someone in a sudden accident, there is no emotional preparation for what has happened. And there are no support groups out there for these people.
Or so says Pennebaker. The truth is, there are support groups now available. Here are links to some websites that those who are grieving over the loss of a loved one can turn:

GriefShare is a friendly, caring group of people who will walk alongside you through one of life’s most difficult experiences. You don’t have to go through the grieving process alone.

GriefNet.org is an Internet community of persons dealing with grief, death, and major loss.

There are sites that are more specific, focusing on the loss of a child, pet, etc. There is support. You can benefit from exploring things alone, through journaling, but sometimes we all need a little help, the hand of someone who has already walked through the dark valley and can reassure us that there is a relief to the seemingly endless pain.

This site has a long list of internet resources as well:

http://depression.about.com/od/griefsupport/Support_Groups.htm